I started this and haven't kept up with it. I scrubbed the first entry b/c this is about new beginnings, not past problems. On with life...

Hi Kim! Glad you started a Journal!

I just started running for the first time last month. I love it. I can only do so much but I am getting better and better with being able to run linger and recover less.

Good luck on your 5K I am sure you will finish in under 30!

The Kimster, Kimerama, Kimarooski--HEY HEY HEY! GREAT journal here and I can't wait to watch your progress.

Luv the title Kim!!!!!

Special K!, ~Kim, Kim Possible,
Glad to see you have a journal here! I love reading your wordie-isms.
Glad to see you are running/training, as well. I am still plugging away and working like a dog.
Lauren (Doc Hottie)

Good to see you here again, Lauren! Are you gonna start a journal sometime? We even have a Hotties forum here, too. Check it out!

http://www.lowcarbdiscussion.com/index.php...=660&hl=hotties

Well, for someone who always has something to say, I haven't said much here as of late...LOL

I went "off plan" last Wednesday and still haven't recovered...I intend to get back to it tomorrow...(road to hell, yada yada, I know!)

Same with running. That craving threw me for a loop! I was exhausted by the end of the week. Not sure why--running, class, LOTS of extra stuff to do...I've been falling asleep by 10:30 and for this night owl, that's unusual.

Will make an effort to post more. Feels a little weird having a journal here--it felt much more "secure" over at the KK site...I keep waiting for my friend Leena to show up! Miss you Leena, if you're lurking! I am checking in on you though...

I did feel weird about having a journal here...not anymore. In I dive...For anyone who hasn't seen my post about what is going on in my life click here: http://www.lowcarbdiscussion.com/index.php...t=0&#entry30316 if you are interested.

Anyway...my evening was eventful, unfortunately. My EH (estranged husband ) stopped by unannounced and without permission. We currently live in a condo--so we have a courtyard which I've been keeping gated and locked. He stood at the gate and got my attention (windows were open). He asked if he could see his kids...so I unlocked the gate. He proceeded to head for the front door. By this time I could tell he was over medicated, just by his demeanor and the way he was walking. I asked him where he was going...he asked if he could use the bathroom. I agreed and told him to stay downstairs (it is a townhome style condo). He took forever and then wouldn't leave. He went to the couch and sat, and preceeded to try to talk to me, demand a time line, blah blah blah...I repeatedly told him I wasn't discussing it (the kids were outside but the window was open). My DD (6yo) had already asked what was wrong with her daddy. We were going out so I got my shoes on, my phone and told him he had to leave. He kept denying he was medicated! That goes all over me. Like I'm an idiot or something! My intoxication meter is highly sensitive at this point...and I have no tolerance for liars. So, he finally left--he asked if he could call the kids tonight. I said yes, of course, if you're sober...he hasn't called. I called his dad when he was leaving and informed him that his son was on his way and he was medicated...so if he didn't show up, he should be concerned. I halfway hoped he'd be stopped and arrested. The cops around here don't fool around with people....

I am so beside myself with anger and...apathy it is unfunny. Show up, upset your children, without permission, don't comply with requests to leave--all it is is unadulterated selfishness. All about him. And that is why he is still active in his addiction. The more conversations we have the more I can see it is all about him in his brain. He wouldn't say that. But when I am accused of getting digs in and hurting his feelings by stating the TRUTH and FACT, then who is it about? Not me. Not our kids...our 6yo was upset all night--through her art lesson. Her teacher took her aside and they prayed for her dad. He needs all the prayers he can get. Even from me, though it feels forced at this point.

There are moments I cannot believe this is my life. I've had a few people tell me that I will mourn the relationship like a death--Because what I thought we would have is no more...and it hurts more than I thought it would. I have built up this box around that part of me that cared about the marriage, because otherwise, how would I function?? It would be a burden I couldn't bear. For now, anger is getting me through moments like tonight. I am not a bitch. I am not going to scream and yell. I've been there, done that and it accomplishes nothing. I am remaining steadfast and looking to the future (but not too far--it can be overwhelming and scary).

I have random memories of my own parents and their struggles. My mom crying was the worst...my biggest fear is the crappy memories my kids will have from this. Will my daughters seek love from men through sex because their daddy wasn't there like he should've been? Will my sons ever learn what an upstanding man should act like and how to treat a woman well? I have a big job--hell, it was big when it was both of us...

My biggest fear? He has no clue how serious I am. I think he believes I will get over it and we'll go back to the pattern we had before...and if that is the case he's in for a big shock and it is going to get worse before it ever gets better--IF it does.

Kim, I love the name of your journal! I just wanted to stop in for a minute to let you know I think you are a strong, brave, intelligent woman. The strength you have shown this far is very inspiring. You are doing the right thing for you and your children. As I said in another post my heart goes out to you because what you are going through is tough. I am impressed with your positive attitude and the way you seem to take things in stride. I am not very good at expressing myself in writing but I want you to know that you are handling a heartbreaking situation with poise and maturity.

Robin--Thank you. Inside here somewhere is a young girl whose dreams of a magical life with her love are dying. But she doesn't come out often...though I'm sure she'd take over if I let her. In the end, I know there is a new beginning...what that looks like I don't know, but it will be a much better place to be than where we are...If I take it moment to moment, I believe I will be okay. My pride is a bit wounded, though. As if I'm the failure...part of me, though I am ashamed to admit it, is excited about what the future holds--the possiblilities are endless and I feel as if the restrictions I had are lifted. I have a long way to go in becoming the person I feel I am inside, but I am getting there...
Thank you for your posts--here and those other places. They are much appreciated!

Since this is my journal, I reserve the right to be as corny as I want to be. A song that I identify with, in its simplicity and straightforwardness:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gm5DHKI8o5o...related&search=

My expectation of my significant other:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_3RclP88R0...20Bet%20on%20me

How simple does that make it?

Too bad life is a bit more complicated....a young girl can dream, though, right?

But wait. Is it? Should it be? Complicated, I mean. Sure, I believe that most marriages have issues to deal with...but should it be painstakingly difficult? Like pulling teeth? I don't think it should be. But how would I know? Honestly, this is the first real relationship I've ever had. We've been together since the age of 17. He's my only reference point. I dated, sure, but was it was all very innocent stuff. I've never been on an adult dating scene. Now I find myself here--NOT that it crosses my mind...but it does, honestly. Who doesn't want someone to share things--little and big--with? Even now, in the heat of all of the turmoil, I admit it is lonely...probably why I'm on this board--LOL. I have to agree with a new friend--that things that are meant to be--are, and those that are not, are very difficult. Thanks for that, my friend.

Kim, I understand and can relate to your wounded pride and feeling like a failure. That is a story for my own journal someday. You are anything but a failure . . . . you gave it everything you could for a lot longer than many would. And there is nothing wrong with looking forward to the possibilities of the future. I think you have a very healthy outlook . . . . . and that is going to help your children more than anything else.

It is a beautiful morning! I slept with the windows open last night and it was delightful! Should save on electricity this month, finally!

I am using today to get organized and cleaned...(well, after I spend my time here! LOL) The last week or so I have been preoccupied and have neglected things around the house. Not anymore!!! It is a good day to clean house! And that is rare, let me tell ya! LOL

I intend to speak to an attorney today--to file separate maintenance? Not sure what that means, but I suppose I'll find out. A little apprehensive about EH's reaction...we've had several fights where they've gotten physical--against property, not me. We have a hole in our wall (well, two--think physics) thanks to EH's fist. He also cracked my dresser drawer front. This is not new--he hit a wooden floor last year so hard I think it broke his hand. He didn't get it looked at, so who knows...The only thing I was thinking when he hit the wall was "glad that's not my face." He's never hit me--he has wrestled with me over medication and used the fact that he's stronger than me to get it away from me. The last time that happened I bit him. Part of me wanted him to strike me, only because THAT would've been it for me. I don't take kindly to being struck. Of course, I look at it now and I allowed him to cross several lines that came awfully close. So was I becoming one of those women who takes it and makes excuses? That is not who I am, and not who I desire to be. Many have said that I ceased to be who I was when I was with him...it is hard to hear that, and I still take it with a grain of salt. It is time, though, to discover again who I am and become the person I desire to be...she's close to the surface, and I can tell she's ready to play.

P.S. Thanks Robin! It is nice to be validated by others (besides family, who are of course REQUIRED n)

Unwritten video by Natasha Bedingfield

Here are the lyrics. I wake up to this song every morning (cell phone) so I can remember the gift that I've been given every morning of another day to make a difference in one way or another...

I am unwritten,
Can't read my mind
I'm undefined
I'm just beginning
The pen's in my hand
Ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words
That you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten, yeah

Oh, oh

I break tradition
Sometimes my tries
Are outside the lines, oh yeah yeah
We've been conditioned
To not make mistakes
But I can't live that way oh, oh

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words
That you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inner visions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live you life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

(Gospel)
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words
That you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inner visions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live you life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live you life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

The rest is still unwritten

The rest is still unwritten

Kim,
As I read your troubles, I felt like I was looking at my past. I left my ex when my boys were 1 year, and 2 1/2. He thought I was "testing" him. He is over 15,000.00 behind in CS and he frequently quits his jobs to avoid supporting his own children. Luckily, I met and married the most wonderful person, but I do understand when you say you think, what have I done? My parents were divorced, but it so was not the bad situation I have, and I guess that made my look at how mine would be unrealistically. He lives in Florida, with his mother, has no job and does drugs. But he still has parental rights. Yes, see an attorney,don't make the mistake I did! For so long I tried to "handle" things myself, instead of letting him know I meant business from the get-go. I admire you, you are a very strong person, and you will exceed all your expectations, I can "see" that in you.
Casey

Knox--Thank you for posting. I have wanted to believe for so long that "this isn't him" and I told my dad last night that I am finally waking up to the fact that yes, it is. I know his addiction is just that--addiction, but it is him at the moment. It is out of my hands now and all I can do is pray that he can salvage his life now and not let it get worse. He has to do it for himself, and no other reason.

He says that if he doesn't have his family, he has no reason or hope--well, I've believed that up until now. What I've realized is that he can't pin his hopes on other things, even families or relationships, because those aren't a sure thing. He has to do this for himself, because it's what he should do and how he should live, in honor of God and himself. If that isn't motivation, what will be? Being the "reason" for getting sober (and staying) has not worked thus far, and puts undue pressure on me--and would on the kids if they were older. That's just not fair, or any way to live, for anyone.

Simon, I have done that in the past, and will consider it. I don't think it mean or underhanded--all it is really is recording something that is reality. I know he knows though. I don't think he's in any denial about the state he's in when he does it, except when he doesn't remember what he's doing. Honestly, I hope I can avoid being around it ever again. Not realistic, probably, but that's a goal...

I hope to have good news a little later...have an errand to run!

Kim, you are right on track. Excuses like, "It will never happen again", "If you leave I will be alone", come a dime a dozen. It is good you have the support of your family, you will be fine. It is a hard road, but isn't everything worth having?! I wish you well!! It's not fair, and as your kid's get older, they will see him for what he is. You are doing great!

I do have lots of support. I am truly blessed in that area. Still waiting tentatively on that good news...(me praying very hard!)...

I'll pray with you!!

Thank you knox!

I was driving (look out!) and heard this song on the radio. GULP. What a great message...

http://music.aol.com/video/anyway/martina-mcbride/1863728

Sheesh. Sitting here, listening to Delila, and that Lady in Red song is on. Now why do I think of a Russian Bride? Good dance song from the 80s!

Thank you Knox for the prayers! They worked! I am moving in a few weeks. I didn't want to jinx it, b/c I really wanted this house. For the last year, after we moved back, we've been living in a 2 bedroom condo--all 6 of us. It was cozy, at first, and now it is just plain CROWDED. So, my mother, who owns the condo, has offered on a house (3 bed./ 2 bath) and it was accepted! The best part? The yard is HUGE. HUGE. We haven't had a huge yard in a couple of years...I'm already thinking forts... And gardens, and veggies...I am going to start packing tomorrow! Bonus: I am the selling agent, so I'll make money on the transaction! I have a line on a job that will pay semi-decently. Enough for food, shelter, and satellite (necessities right?) Oh, and internet service-- Just have to get the job...and find a good daycare for my soon to be 3 year old. Not too much guilt in that--he's bored at home without his siblings.

So--a good night!

Talked to EH. Same conversation, different day: "me me me me me I I I I I I." Is it a bad thing that I said don't call me for awhile? Keeps trying to pin his recovery efforts on our future, and I will not allow it!

I find myself thinking about future, specifically relationships. Honestly, it's a scary thought. I am not one who's had any experience in that area--uh, I've been with a total of one person. Ever. So the idea of something different is...scary and thrilling in the same moment. I am thankful of the place I am in on my low carb journey. If I were here where I was last year weight wise, I might not be so thrilled. I might be sick to my stomach! LOL Like I said elsewhere--it's time to FINE TUNE this journey to get where I want to be...and shop for some new clothes! And shoes. Definitely more shoes.

I just wanted to send good thoughts your way KimPossible! I admire your courage in making the right decisions for yourself and your children, no matter how tough those decisions are.

I know how devastating dealing with an addict can be -- we are experiencing this with an extremely close family friend. The sad thing is that I find that they cannot stop lying. They lie to everyone around them, and they even lie to themselves and they believe the lies!!!

There is nothing you can do in that situation except what you are doing. Your children's innocence deserves to be protected. They are going to learn enough tough things about their dad over the coming years, I am so glad that you are going to give them their childhood.

That is great news about the house also. It will give your family a chance to start fresh and that can be a wonderful thing.

Yeah Kim!!! My mother always says things happen for a reason!! My personal experience on the "special" relationships: I was a 30 yr old single mom with a one year and two and ahalf year old, and I had just pretty much accepted the fact I would stay single. I mean, who wants all that baggage? Boy, was I wrong!!! My DH had no children from his previous marriage and he just swooped us all up. Not saying it has been easy, but he loves my boys as much as he could his own, and, he considers him his. He is raising them, not the ex. So my rambling point is, things happen when you are not looking for them and you will move on and be fine. With your personality, you will have no problems. I am so happy for you!! Hug!

Hi Kim...I've been reading about the challenges you are facing and I've been praying for you and not really knowing what to say. But this morning I just felt like I need to tell you that I admire your strength and courage so much. It's a very difficult position you're in and you are handling it with strength, grace and courage...you go girl!

{{{HUG}}}

Thank you Vickie! Prayers do wonders, without any words! ((hugs)) I appreciate it. I am keeping it together--holding on to my resolve to keep my kids away from such behavior.

Knox--I am a believer in things working out the way we need them to...I am not too worried about it, yet. If I were I'd be a basket case--my thoughts are "who wants the baggage of 4 kids?" BUT. My kids are not baggage, and the person that agrees with me is the one I'd look for. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers!

luvsdogs--Thank you. Yes, Lies are common place--and how you know they are lying is that their lips are moving...sounds harsh, but it is the truth, at least in my case. Not sure it is recoverable from that breach of trust. Even though they believe the lies, they are still lies...

It feels like a fine line I'm walking...words used here are intelligent, strength, grace, courage...and I know I am making the right decision...It would be wrong to say that I don't have fleeting thoughts--and they aren't even caused from affection anymore. It is the little part of me that knows it would be easier to go back to hoping and praying that it never happens again. He keeps pushing for "hope" and I keep putting his recovery back on him. But inside, I know that feeling of affection for him is gone. It hurts me to admit that, so I don't say it to him. Yet. For now, I am getting done what needs to be done on my end for me and my kids. All the rest will be sorted out in time...

I have no desire to see him.

And yet he shows up still. Unannounced. Without permission. No call, nothing...

He was sober. "needed something" "can I see my kids" "I have nothing"

He has to pass a drug test on Friday (new job), so...we'll see. Says he'll "prove" to me--daily urine screenings, etc. What does that prove? Nothing except that I can't trust him...and what kind of relationship is that? I feel for him, sure...but my priorities HAVE to lie with my kids and my self. Showing up here on his part shows his self-centered mentality. No consideration for anyone else involved. I keep telling him this arrangement is long term...not just a week, or a couple. I can't predict the future just as he can't truly promise to be sober...I just wish it wasn't so difficult. He says he knows I'm hurt, and angry, and distrustful...I told him I was all those things every other time this has occurred. THIS time, I am all that and so much more. Like something snapped. broke. died. is gone. He's going to be extremely upset when I file legal separation. Extremely. A bit frightened by that thought. I will warn his dad...him? Not sure.

I've been thinking about what snapped within me that makes this different. Last week, Tuesday or Wednesday, I picked up this card that basically said that even though we've had our share of hard times, tears, etc., I would do it again. That I loved him. And I meant it. Early in our relationship, I gave lots of cards, small notes, and was a total romantic. Slowly, I've stopped feeling moved to do such little meaningful gestures, but on this day, I did. I took it as a good sign on my part, and I wanted him to know that's how I felt. Then, two days later, he basically did the equivalent of crapping on that feeling, that sentiment. The card was in the kitchen and today, I tore it up and threw it in the trash. I never have regrets (see Anyway song above), because I have four beautiful children and some great memories. But I don't have to live like that anymore...that finally clicked somewhere in my psyche...

Kim,
Something does click. You have been taking care of him, yourself and your kids. You have believed the excuses, had hope in the new promises. Probably, for the same reasons I did, you want to stay together for your kids. You want to make your marriage work. I know I would do ANYTHING for my kids. You are probably the same, but, if you are not happy and you two do not have a healthy relationship, it really is not better, they see the stress and pick up on alot. You are doing what is best for your kids and yourself. He is an adult, and will either change, and be a responsible one, or, continue the path he is on. I wish you the best, this is very hard. HUGS--Casey

Interesting pattern. Classic avoider, and classic stress eater. Started the day out yesterday well and caved by 3 p.m. A combination of very poor low carb planning and stress. I had to bring snacks for my daughter's team and I brought granola bars and Rice Krispy treats (I know--sugary carbs--I'll learn someday). And of course, we had left overs. I didn't even make it home. I was up 4 lbs water weight today. I will begin again...and conquer the lack of planning...

On today's plate: an Open House, soccer practice and church. Fun Fun Fun. EH wants us to go to mass together. How can I say no? Wouldn't that go against all my beliefs? I just don't want to send mixed messages...to anyone. We never sit "together" anyway--we are always at opposite ends with kids in the middle. Not looking forward to it, though.

Wow, Kim, sometimes it is dejavu when I read your entries, except, I think I am about ten years older than you, so if I have a "been there, done that"tone I apologize!! It is hard to gather thoughts and get yourself together when someone knows how to push your buttons.
My point: My ex knew what upset me, knew what I WANTED TO HEAR, AND SAID IT AFTER EVERY BLOWUP!! I, for a long time believed, wanted, wished, denied then finally came to the lightbulb moment above" He is an adult, and will either change and be a responsible one, or continue on the path he is on. "
When it was good, I questioned my motives, thought badly of myself, BLAMED myself, and worried about how it looked to others. No one saw the drug use, or alcohol abuse. No one saw our bank account being overdrawn b/c he used money for his vices above. So when I left, his family had a hard time with it, and are still very bitter. Of course, he never volunteered the above info.
Follow your heart, Kim. It is okay to doubt. It is okay to change your mind if that is what you decide to do. But, it is also very okay to do what you think is best for you and your children!!
Now, the emotional eating? Can't help you there, I gained four pounds back right along with you this weekend. Stress eating.

To be honest it makes me feel a ton better knowing that I'm not the only one who's been here--and come out with a better life. I appreciate it, immensely.

Today was EH's payday. And this is his last week at his part time job before he begins a new job next Monday. I got a message saying he wasn't going to his part time job--as a sort of "buffer" time. WTH?!? BUFFER? We NEED the money and they NEED a warm body anyway--so it might as well be him! It is 3 friggin hours a day!!!! All sorts of excuses....then he asked me what I wanted him to do...UH--GO TO WORK!!!! He ended up admitting I was right (yeah, I know, I don't have to be told that) and going to work today. I met him at the bank after he cashed his check...and he got in the car and talked for about 30 minutes or more. I really don't feel like listening...and only respond when he hits a sore subject...thing is...I can see the same patterns, though he swears this time is different. I believe he believes this time is different. But I don't SEE or HEAR difference. I keep telling him NOT to talk to me about it. Just DO it. And I have made it clear MORE than once that this is a LONG TERM thing--separation. Not a week. or two. or twelve. a LONG time. A year. Two. longer...and by then, who knows where either of us will be as far as a relationship goes...

He wanted to know if I was intending to see other people. As if I have the time for that. Or the money to pay a babysitter. I can still have fantasies though...

I have begun cleaning up his messiness that has invaded our "cozy" space. More like packing up his stuff. It is cathartic, really. When my mom and dad separated I remember the emotional distress they were both in (mostly my mom crying--b/c that is who I remained with). I don't feel that. What does that say? I feel lighter, unburdened, and excited about the future. And it is stupid things, petty things that I am excited about, that only speak to the dysfunction our relationship was already in. I can spend money how I want. I can make decisions without feeling like I have to "check with my husband" (stupid things like getting the paper delivered or ordering a magazine, etc.). I can decorate how I want. I've made decisions like that in the past, but never without fear of an argument or disagreement....this will be...fun. And I refuse to have guilt over it!

and I know one thing I am going to do when I finally reach my goal: I am getting a tattoo on the back of my neck. Like this:

It's Gemini. Embellished
And I might spruce up my old one...who knows. The great thing is that I can if I want, without someone telling me they hate my tattoo, or that they don't like that idea...If I never hear a negative comment again it'll be too soon! I'm all for constructive criticism...but that's not what I've been getting. Passive aggressive is what it's called, and I detest it!

Kim,
Don't feel guilty one bit about moving on and gaining independence. Trust me, it's a good thing! You've kinda put YOUR life on hold dealing with HIS life and issues. And it's obvious, he's not ready to deal with HIS issues(it's sounding like he's all talk and no walk right now) so you have to deal with YOUR issues and YOUR life. You deserve this time and it's sounds like you are in the right place at the right time. That's half to the battle of moving on.

As for being an insurance adjuster-Warning, it may be stressful. I worked for a big "handy" insurance company(you'll probably be able to guess which one) and I saw claims adjusters come and go, get divorced and have breakdowns due to stress. Heck, the office alone was a den of stress and the 7th layer of Hell. No wonder I quit. : )

And stop stealing my ideas! One of my rewards for getting to goal and maintaining it is to get a tat.

Kim...reading your posts brings back so many memories for me. For some reason I feel like hearing this little part of my story will be an encouragement to you....so here it is....for what it's worth...

I remember those times with my EX....him continually showing up...needing attention, needing reassurance....needing answers...HE always needed something...it was all about him....always!!! Ending my marriage was one of the most confusing, painful times in my life.....even more painful than staying in the hellish relationship we called a marriage. So many questions...fear of what the future was going to hold, yet excitement for the possibilities that the future might hold...so many conflicting feelings, thoughts, dreams....I think you know what I mean. And HIM always showing up and acting like HIS feelings and fears and issues were of the utmost importance.

Then one day it happened...he moved forward...he got an apartment...he stopped being there every time I turned around. I remember a Saturday morning a few months after we separated. I was cleaning my new apartment, the windows were open, a breeze was blowing. I was vacuuming, and all of the sudden I realized I could BREATHE...I could really breathe. That's the only way I can describe it...I could breathe again.

And one day, in the not too distant future...you too will find yourself in the middle of doing some mundane, everyday thing, and you'll realize that you can breathe again.

{{{HUG}}}

Thank you for sharing that, Vickie. It means a lot. If I examine our marriage, I can see many moments that sent up flags about his self centeredness. I always have let it go. I am a very easy going, easy to get along with person. Really. So, he didn't want to get married in my church, he didn't like the priest, he didn't like my friends, he was uncomfortable going to my grandparents for holidays...I let it all slide. And all of those things--ALL of them--have been VERY important in my life. I feel that I am just now reclaiming some of the things I gave up. I always dreaded holidays because it would always be a struggle as to what we were going to do. I always was okay with being home at least ON Christmas morning, b/c I wanted to do Santa with the kids under our family tree (when we lived out of town)..but we were here, in town, last year on Christmas...and we weren't planning to go anywhere--until I asked to go over to my dad's. I was so upset. I wanted the company, the meal, the atmosphere and all he wanted to do was spend it at home (WE DO THAT EVERYDAY). I look back on it now and it infuriates me. I still have three grandparents here with me and by the grace of God, they will be around to spend another Christmas with. I haven't been to my Grandparents' farm for Christmas since the first year we were married (and that day was AWFUL...Divorce was discussed then). I am going this year. And my kids are going. I am going to enjoy the holidays more than ever this year...I think that breeze is blowing my way already...

Kim, I just wanted you to know that I've been divorced for many years. My boys were very small at the time, 3 and 1. But during all those years, I never once regretted the divorce. Regret the marriage? OH yeah! But I have two wonderful sons, even if their father is a jerk. Things haven't been easy and I've had quite a few trials and tribulations to overcome, but I never was sorry for divorcing him. I can remember feeling total and utter relief and, even after all these years, I still feel that relief.

You are doing the right thing, for you AND for your children. I admire your courage.

Well, Delilah has her good songs too:

http://music.aol.com/video/breakaway/kelly-clarkson/1145898

Have to endure a commercial, though.

Good morning Kim, hope you have a good day...question: are you a Gemini? Curious b/c I am..

I have never been an Idol watcher, and scoffed at the idea of a winner of that show being a "real" star, but Kelly Clarkson has some good stuff, and has established herself well...I like this one too:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=780fZbo0x-I

My EH heard this a couple of weeks ago and commented sarcastically "nice lyrics."

Yeah, I think so...

I pick it often on Dance Dance Revolution...

ETA: I have to say this, b/c it's been bugging me. I really don't like the video--that she destroys his stuff. Kinda psycho....

I am livid.

I don't know why I expected different. EH was supposed to pick DS1 up tonight for Boy Scouts...and I called at 5:15 to see when he would be here. No answer. Called again at 5:30 (meeting was at 6). No answer. About 5:40 he called and said he was on his way. He was slurring his words and when I asked where he had been, he said his classic "HUH?" I told him to put his dad on the phone, who confirmed my suspicion and agreed that he didn't need to take DS. DS was sitting on the couch, waiting for his dad, looking forward to spending the hour with him...and HE IS DRUNK!!!!!!! I called my dad, and he and DS went to the meeting. EH called me to tell me that he knew it wouldn't help but he was looking forward to spending time with DS, and blah blah blah. I told him he was only calling to make himself feel better, that he was an A$$ and that He'd have to live with it...and hung up. He called about 20 times, but I didn't answer...he can sit and stew with himself and his emotions. I care not. I do care about my kids and no one, not even their biological dad is going to treat them in that manner....

We are having veggie soup and watching Chamber of Secrets since DS has finished that book. (seen it, but now he's going to compare book to movie). And we will have a blast doing it!

LIFE MOVES FORWARD!!!

I'm sorry Kim! I would be livid too.

Kim, I've been a lurker since you've started, but your latest post made it impossible for me not to comment. For what it's worth, I think you're doing the right thing. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you right now. but I hope you take comfort in the fact that your children will thank you when they get older.

When I speak of my parents, I speak of my biological mother and my stepfather. (He's been in my life since before I was born.) My biological father was an alcoholic and I can't tell you how grateful I am to my mother for getting us out of that situation. He was never abusive to either of us physically, only destructive to the furniture or walls. But I can't tell you how many times I was scared when my father showed up drunk and my mom would cry. (I was really young, maybe 3, but I remember it clearly.) My mother finally left him when he picked me up from pre-k, drunk, and left me in the car while he went back to the bar. When she left, it was hard for me to not have both parents, but as I grew up, so did my gratitude and understanding for my mother. She was there for me always, even when he wasn't, and I can tell just from your posts that you'll be there for your kids that way as well. I guess my point is, no matter how disappointed your kids may be not to have their father in their life, they'll understand and appreciate it when they get older. The fact that you're going through all of this now simply shows what an amazing person and parent you are.

You're in my thoughts and I truly hope things work out however you wish them to. ((huge hugs))