SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER

I have to scrub the top of every can I open.

I don't have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

In fact I don't have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I don't have to worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers get answered only if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on the cans.
Also, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I don't use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore since it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with an infected needle.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I don't answer the phone anymore because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I don't have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my rear-end.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I find in a parking lot because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can't drive my car anywhere now because we're no longer supposed to buy gas from any gas stations.

My e-mail "from" box is loaded each day with very depressing e-mails about immigration, the Iraq war, global warming, economic collapse, increasing crime rates, government corruption, corporate scandals, lying presidential candidates and so on. I'm just one fish in the pond and there is nothing I can do to change things. Let those who care about those kinds of problems deal with them cause I've got my own problems.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM today, and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day!

Hee hee!

Cute!!

Isn't it the truth! You should add that we can no longer drink bottled water because the bottles are filling up the land fills. I got that one last week.

Oh yeah.. and the bottles give us cancer.

That is so true!

Loved it!