Well, I guess it is time to start my journal.

I'm very serious about my weight loss at this point. After losing 56 lbs. three years ago, I know I can do it. I put back on about 30 of those pounds, but I'm determined to lose them and then some. I am 5' 1", and my current weight as of this morning is 169. I would love to get down to at least 120, but 130 would be nice, too.

I am a 'pear' shape, being heavier from the waist down than from the waist up. I've always been that way.

The reason I am so set to do this right now is the fact that I am sick of being overweight when I can do something about it. I carry a lot of emotional scars from having too much of me hanging around.

I was made fun of by my brother and his wife when I was about 12 or 13 for being fat when I wasn't at all. That set my life-long pursuit of the perfect weight loss diet in motion. The scars are still there.

Then I married when I was 17. He was ten years older than me and divorced. Over the years he made a couple of comments about my weight. He had an affair with a perfect little 17 year old beauty queen when he was 33; I was 23 and 8 months pregnant. We are now divorced after a 20-year marriage, but the scars are still there.

I lost the weight right before I left my husband, and I was feeling so good about myself. Then I fell in love with a man and lived with him for a year and a half. The love I felt for him soon turned to bitterness as he obsessed over my jeans size, what I ate, etc. He made fun of overweight people all the time. He also loved strip clubs and the like. He loved himself more than he loved me. I left him. The scars are still there.

This past Mother's day my 19 year old son took me and my 16 year old daughter out to eat. He made a comment on how fat I was looking, and my daughter and he had a good laugh about it. The scar will always be there.

Last year, I fell head over heels for the man of my dreams. He said weight meant nothing to him, and we enjoyed many unhealthy meals together. I was laughing and loving and enjoying myself right on up to a 30 lb. gain. But he always tells me I am not fat (when I know I am), and he made me feel loved and accepted. Then last night he was joking around and let a comment out that cut me like a knife. He called me 'fat'. It was a comment like 'You fat thing', or something stupid like that.

The breath left my lungs. I still can't breathe this morning. I cried for hours. He apologized and felt bad about it, but there was no taking back the words. It felt like my heart shattered, and all the inadequate, self-loathing opinions I carried about myself for years that I was overcoming came back with a vengeance. He is skinny. . .very skinny. He doesn't understand the pain that I feel from a comment like that. So I have a brand new, fresh wound that will no doubt leave yet another deep scar.

So today I am starting my journal as a step forward. I'm sick of being hurt. Even the people who love me hurt me without realizing it sometimes. I don't want to be ashamed of myself anymore. I don't want to be embarrassed by going out in public. And I don't want to be the punchline of any more fat jokes, or the target if any more fat comments.

Okay, this was a long, dramatic start to my journal, but I had to vent. I feel better.

I'm at 169 pounds today. I had 30 grams of carbs yesterday and too few calories, but I couldn't eat after the 'episode'. I am going to use my journal as a point of accountability for myself. My goal is no more than 30 carbs per day, and I am going to keep my calories around 1200. (I am 40 and very short, so the calories matter to me.)

So here goes. . .

As I've said to you before, CarolAnn, you are such a beautiful person. And I mean that. You are very special in the eyes of God and from all of us who have been exactly where you are. Beginning this journal is an important first step in moving beyond the past and into your glorious future. Don't lose hope and keep your head up. Good things are set to come your way because you're livin' la vida low-carb, baby! We're here for you when you need us. SEE YA around!

Thanks so much, Jimmy. I needed to hear that.

My husband has apologized to me repeatedly for calling me fat. He said he didn't even mean to say it. He was watching TV and trying to make a cute comment to me, and it came out wrong. He always tells me he loves me just the way I am. I forgive him, but it really did hurt. One thing is for sure, I don't think this will happen again. He felt really bad about it, and I wanted him to! 'Fat' is not a word you throw around at an overweight person obsessed with losing weight!

The great part is that it has opened my eyes to the fact that I am miserable living life as an overweight, unhealthy individual with low self-esteem. I'm the only one who can change that, and, by golly, I will.

My eating was good this weekend. I took in 30 grams of carbs Saturday and 15 yesterday. I feel more in control now, so onward and upward! (Or downward . . . whatever!) My weight this morning is 168, a difference of a pound since Saturday.

Well, I'm off to work!

YOU GO GIRL!!! I'm so proud of you, CarolAnn! You are beautiful and I'm so happy to have you here.

Jimmy, you are the best 'cheerleader' ever! It helps so much to have someone in my corner!

Today I have had 27 grams of carbs, and I feel great. I didn't count calories today, but tomorrow I will try to keep them down some. I don't like eating too few calories, but I have to take care not to overdo too much.

I have decided not to worry too much about the scales. I love to see the weight go down, but I'm only going to weigh once a week from now on (Monday). I will be happy if I can average a pound per week. That may seem slow, but slow and steady wins the race, right?!

Well, I'm off to bed now. I have to rise and shine early in the morning!

You're doing AWESOME, CarolAnn! Keep those calories at a minimum of 1200 and increase your fat intake if you can to at least half of your caloric intake. You'll be feeling healthier than you ever thought possible soon enough and I'll be here to help you along every step of the way. I'm proud of you!

Okay, it is time to get serious now. I am back up to 172 as of this morning. The problem is water weight up and down, I am sure. But I am ready to lose weight and keep going at a downward slope. This bouncing up and down isn't doing it for me.

I know how to lose weight, because I've done it before and kept it off for two years. In the past year I've been on an upward trend where my weight is concerned. Instead of going back to what worked for me, I just keep trying to mix it with this and that (i.e. intermittent fasting).

I have to admit that I did count calories and carbs both when I lost weight. I took in around 1200 calories per day and 30 carbs. I am 40 now, so calories do count with me. Also, I like to see at least 2 lbs. per week fall off. I don't want warp speed, but I don't like snail speed, either. I get too discouraged.

Another thing I am struggling with is the daily weighing I'm doing now. When I lost the majority of my weight before, I didn't weigh at all. Yep, that's right. Nada, zilch. When I started weighing all the time, I became obsessive with the scale. So no more of that.

I also use to incorporate some type of exercise each day. I would walk on my lunch break at work or walk around my neighborhood. That was good for me psychologically as well as physically.

So here is my approach starting today:

1. I will move more. No strict regimen here, just be sure and move my caboose every day, whether 10 minutes or an hour.

2. I will eat no more than 30 carbs (total carbs minus fiber) per day.

3. I will eat no more than 1300 calories per day, no less than 1200.

4. I will weigh every two weeks, absolutely no more than that. I will list this in my signature for accountability.

5. I will use my journal every day for responsibility and accountability.

Well, there it is. I will enter into my journal tonight how my day has gone.

Yesterday wasn't good, so carb and calorie counts were really bad. But I did stick to one thing: I walked on my treadmill for 20 minutes. That is the first time in a LONG time.

I'm trying to straighten up today. I'll check in tonight with hopefully better results!

knock...knock...(that's my signature when I bust into someones journal now)

I know how you feel...it is unfortunate that we live in a society that if you don't look like a drug sucking anorexic some people think your fat ....scars can take a long time to heal and fade but it can be done...

often times I think when people say insensitive things about another, it either because they don't realize its hurtful or they are just trying to break and keep you down because it makes them feel better about themselves.

You can do this....we all believe in you.

and focus on your positive attributes instead of what you think is wrong with yourself...like to me you seem like a very sensitive caring person.

Just look at yourself...your beautiful...I would kill to be at the weight you are at now...I know that doesn't help but just think you can get to where you want to be and remember all the great things about you.

Hey Carol Ann! Just checking up on your progress. Looks like it's been a while since you've posted, so let us know how you're doing. I'm still VERY proud of you!!!

CarolAnn,
I just now found your Journal, I guess I must have overlooked it, as your starting date was last month.
I'm sorry for the scars you have from your past, I know that feeling very well!
My X, the father of my two sons, once told me No other man would ever want me unless I paid them to sleep with me because I was FAT & UGLY!
Need I say anymore, I think you know why he's my X~~then add that he's an ALCOHOLIC!

Sky is right, as is Jimmy (duh) You're a Beautiful woman and you don't look overweight at all in your picture. I didn't know you were only 5'1" `til I just read your Journal, But I did know one thing about you:
You are one of the Most Sincere sounding Women I have had the pleasure to meet.
You're honesty & wonderful sense of Deep Love that you have for your Dh are most admirable.

The way the remarks from your ds & dd cut to your Heart shows how much you care. I'm sure they didn't mean to hurt you & "thought" they were just joking around. My youngest son (33yrs.old) Has a very Weird sense of humor (kinda like I do) and sometimes he goes too far with his joking without realizing it.
I hope you've told them how much it bothered you, or they'll think it's okay & will do it again.

I too, am a Pear Shaped Woman (most Potuguese are) and NO matter how much weight I lose I'll always be a pear, it's just that I no longer want it to be a Big Pear!
In my Avi picture I weighed 229 lbs, but my highest was 288 lbs.
So I know if I can do it, so can you!
I realize that for your height, 169 lbs. is too much for you, but as Sky said, I too would love to weigh 169 lbs.
Because then I'd be only 9 lbs, from my goal of 160, instead of 35 lbs. where I am now!

Please don't hesitate to ask for help and please DO VENT anytime you need to, as it helps you deal with it better.
We've all been there and are still there to a degree~~so lets do this together.

United We Stand~~We Are Women Hear Us ROAR !
Su

Thank you, Sky and Su, for all your kind comments and support!

People are very insensitive at times, but like you said Sky, some are trying to feel better about themselves by running others down. We were talking about this at work just yesterday. One woman there every day has something negative to say to me about my looks, hair, weight. . .just anything to get a jab in at me. Then she will laugh like it is the funniest thing in the world! I smile and take it, because I know that jabbing back would hurt her. I go out of my way not to hurt other people even if they cut me to the core. I just can't do it. I've never been able to have fun at another's expense. I guess that makes me the bigger person, huh?!

Yes, I am a pear, darn it. I know that is healthier than an apple shape, but, wow, a pear has a hard time hiding those hips!

And Jimmy, thanks for checking in on me! I am struggling so much right now. Once I fell off the low-carb wagon, I have had a very hard time trying to climb back on, but I know I will. When I give up and quit trying is when I've lost the battle, and I refuse to go down without a fight!

Today I'm changing my strategy a bit. I'm going to incorporate smaller meals and snacks to keep my blood sugar steady (that is where my biggest problem is). I have done very nicely in the past spreading my carbs out all day a little at a time. I don't feel so deprived, and I don't like large meals anyway.

Oh, and Su, I have kind of floated back up to 172 (hoping it is fluid, but not counting on it)! I'm going to have to quit weighing every day; I just can't handle it! It is so disheartening!

Well, thanks again for the support! You are a great bunch of people, and I am so glad to have new friends here!

CarolAnn,
You're right about needing to stop the devotion to the scale on a daily basis. Everybody has a 2 to 3 lb. fluctuation in weight daily.
By getting on the scale everyday you're setting yourself up for disappointment.
I ended up causing a big debate on the Hill over at KK, when I called it the "Scale God". There was one gal there that hopped on it at least 5 times a day & would announce every "Ounce" she would lose.
It got VERY Annoying to all of us!
When you step on the scale & Look Down to see the Number, it's like you're BOWING DOWN to it. Then you allow "IT" to tell you what kind of day you're going to have.
If it shows a loss~You're Happy!
If it shows a gain~You Hate yourself!

I have my scale in the trailer to take to Oklahoma on Nov. 3rd, we won't completely move there until April of 2008.
I'll weigh then!
I was reading Melodie's Journal & she said she NEVER weighs!

We all know when we've over-eaten or ate something we shouldn't have, we also can feel the difference of how we feel or how our clothes fit. THAT'S the Weight Judge we should go by, NOT numbers on a Scale!

Concerning the woman at your job that makes remarks to you & about you.
She's Ignorant!
So why do you give her that Power over you?
Until you tell her point blank that you will NOT allow it to happen anymore~~she'll continue to do it!

As Dr. Phil says: We Teach People How To Treat Us.
By NOT stopping her when she first did it, you were telling her it was okay, that's why it goes on.
If you don't show that you:

RESPECT YOURSELF~NO ONE ELSE WILL!

By saying something to her, you would NOT be hurting her feelings~
She has shown that she doesn't care about hurting yours!

You are NOT a VICTIM here~~You're Being a VOLUNTEER !!!!!

Please stand up for yourself, because until you do~~
You won't get the Respect you Deserve!

Hugs, Su

Knock... knock..

Hey CarolAnn...

Glad to see you....I'm so sorry that that so called person at the office is like that to you...If she keeps doing it ....I say just make a very cheeky response that gets your point across and makes her look stupid....Just hold your head up, be strong, and respond to her stupidity(don't react-there is a difference)...like if she makes a comment about your hair just let her know how much your true friend love it this way and think its beautiful or something about your man just cant stop running his fingers through it or something like I'm sorry, I guess some people are so unhappy with the themselves they have to create problems with others...it's so sad... are you OK? and then smile with your head held up turn and go about your day as if she wasn't there...

Good Morning CarolAnn,
I just wanted to pop in really quick & thank you for stopping by my place.
I have now started my 2nd Journal as I reached my limit for posts on the first on.
So when you come over again, go right past the old address and you'll find us all at:
HalsAngel's Journal Part 2

See ya there and hope you had a great weekend !
Hugs, Su

Hi Carol Ann,

Do you remember me?? We had the little talks about IF... Well, I was just wondering how you were doing so I thought I'd stop by and say, "hi!" How are you?

I went to Dave's place today and posted my "newbie hello" over there. I also read your old journal. It is so odd--you, Dave and I were all at Kimkins at the same time doing the same thing and having a similar experience. But I had no idea in the middle of July what was going on there. I didn't even know there was a controversy until the beginning/middle of August...

Well, I am still soooo fat and I vacillate almost daily between having a good/realistic attitude and having a lousy/depressed/feeling-sorry-for-myself attitude! Will it ever end??

I am still doing IF. Not every day and with no rules, but it has become a happy part of my lifestyle and it is good for me.

I am in Idaho now--with no husband or kids! yippeeeee!!!!!

Okay, then. Hope to hear from you soon!

Have a nice day!

Kristi

Hey, Kristi! Long time, no post from me, huh? Well, I'm having a heck of a time getting on any kind of plan, IF, low-carb, you name it. I am having some serious issues with my blood sugar dropping right now. I've never been diagnosed hypoglycemic, but I'm almost sure I am.

I know that a low carb diet can help with it, but I can't stay low carb for one single day without having a blood sugar crash. I don't know why. I didn't do this three years ago when I lost all that weight. I breezed through it. Now I am struggling so hard.

I'm not giving up. I still love the idea of IF, but since I've been trying to go low carb once again, I have been trying to space out my meals and snacks. Maybe that is the problem; maybe I need to IF once again maybe with low carb eating. I am so confused! ! !

I have thought of going almost no-carb with lots of fat, but I don't enjoy eating that way. But if I want to lose weight, then maybe I have to do something that is distasteful for me in order to get it going.

Maybe someday soon I'll get it right.

I have been trying to watch calories, also, and that could be my downfall this time. I could probably try only counting carbs until my cravings are under control before pulling down my calories. I'm at a loss right now. I feel like just giving up, but I am not happy with myself this way. Frankly, I'm becoming an introvert and hermit once again. I hate being antisocial, but I'm embarrassed to even go to the grocery store, let alone work every day!

Okay, I'm through ranting now.

Without meaning to sound Stupid (?)
What is IF ?

CarolAnn,
Jimmy says not to count calories, but instead count Carbs!
I have been following the Zero Carb. Plan for the past week after doing the Fat Fast and all my Cravings are G-O-N-E !!!!!!!

Su

CarolAnn~~
By now I'm sure you've heard about the 5.6 Earthquake, that happened last night just 9 miles Northeast of San Jose`, in the Alum Rock area.
From all the News Updates they had last night, it didn't do alot of damage considering it's size!

What did UPSET me was the fact they kept interrupting The Biggest Loser Show & just kept repeating the same things over & over. It wouldn't have bothered me if they Actually had Updates to report !
Some of the News Flashes prevented us from seeing some very interesting moments on the show~
I understand that Amy made a confession about Neil's pressure on her to throw the weigh in last week.
WE MISSED THAT !!!

Hope you're feeling better today with your confusion & struggles regarding your eating plan.
Could you tell me what IF means, please?
Su

Hi, Su!

No, I hadn't heard about the earthquake! Good grief! That scares me a bit.

IF means 'intermittent fasting'. It isn't something extreme, as most people would think. There are positive studies about it's effects on aging and body composition, among a lot of other things. Most of the people doing IF have a daily 'window' to eat during, such as noon till 6:00 or 5:00 p.m. till 10:00 p.m. It is up to the individual how they do it. There's no eating at all (except for maybe a small amount of cream for coffee) outside the eating window.

IF appeals to me because I don't like morning eating, and I have digestive problems similar to acid reflux, so I don't like eating after 6 or 7. It just feels natural for me. But lately I haven't followed that or low carb or anything else. My resolve is at an all-time low for some reason.

I can maintain well on it eating almost anything I want, but I don't lose on it until I cut my carbs down. To me, that would mean my weight loss still hinges on low carb eating.

When are you leaving? I hope all goes smoothly! Be safe!

Love,

Carol Ann

Sorry CarolAnn,
I didn't mean to scare you with the news, but it wasn't a bad one.
I just thought it'd be better to read it from someone in the general area, then just Blarring on the News Channel.
There's no reports of any major damage anywhere, unfortunately Calif. is known for having Earthquakes just like Kansas & the Midwest are for Tornado's.

If you visit my Journal today you'll see I've written about the trip & my decision about my eating also.

We leave sat. morning 11/3 @ 3am, that's my Father's Birthday & I've asked him to watch over us, since He's up in Heaven close to GOD.

I have to go do alittle more shopping in a few minutes, my regular grocery store doesn't carry some of the things my dh wants me to get for him to snack on during the trip.
I'll check back with you later today~
Hugs, Su

Hi Carol Ann,

What's up?


Kristi