Time to get settled in and get a journal going. Had one before, ahem, and found it useful. Although, a huge time-suck. I'm going to try to be a little more structured about my time on-line so I can make sure I have time to jot things down as I follow this path and still keep up with laundry.

I, like many others, am a KK refugee. I was never involved in the brouhaha, but was extremely bothered by it. So, after a flash of conscience, I left. I still have access to my acct if anyone needs me to check anything.

I am trying Atkins, or rather doing Atkins. My 9 yr old is obsessed with Star Wars and one of the favorite sayings at our house is "Do, or do not. There is no try." Which actually helps get homework done, but I digress.

I am doing Atkins and am trying to overcome some of the brainwashing I fell into. As I've mentioned in other posts, I have spent some time studying real nutrition--not just the eat 1200 cal and you'll lose weight kind of nutrition. Stuff like good fats and insulin control and healing diseases with special diets. I put this stuff into action for my son, my dad and my mom. Plus, I watched a friend extricate herself from a cult last year, knew the signs, but I still got sucked into the groupthink lead by She Who Must Not Be Named. .

So, I've been reading Jonny Bowden, LOVE HIM, and have been trying to forgive myself for not seeing the light sooner, and for practicing stupidity when it came to my food and my health, like my hair falling out, crappy skin, terrible digestive problems...and I still didn't stop because I was losing weight.

Eventually, all the little pieces will fall into place and I will have some peace of mind about how I got on this LC path to health.

BTW, love these little emoticons. And I probably need another hobby, but what the hey...

My avatar is Sarasvati, the Hindu goddess of learning and music. (My DH is Hindu) In Hinduism there is really one nameless, faceless Creator and the gods and goddesses (little g) are the "faces" or avatars of God that people look to for guidance. Plus she's got four arms, which I would find useful with 3 boys, and she's reading a book all the time. As a compulsive reader, I appreciate that.

GREAT beginning to your journal, Jill! Can't wait to watch your progress.

Great to see your post Jill. A lot of us people got sucked in, and after a couple of weeks, I already feel so much healthier..amazing what a few good carbs will do for you. I love your "do versus try" statement. I'll have to remember that and apply it to my own thinking!!!

Last night at 11:30 pm I watched Christin's video blog and was brought to tears. If anyone stumbles across my journal and hasn't seen the video blog, please go watch it, particularly if you were once a KK automaton.

http://the-journey-on.blogspot.com/2007/09...video-blog.html

Okay, so it brought me up short. One of my challenge buddies had been to the doctor for chest pains just last week!! OMG, what have I done to my body? I have been adding in fats and cheese, but still eating a basic KK diet with added stuff. Last night I ate a huge serving of sauteed broccoli--like the whole, huge stalk--with almonds and felt a twinge of "uh-oh, I shouldn't have done that."

Please. Broccoli. I feel like I need some sort of voo-doo/love goddess/holy water anti-KK ritual to wipe the brainwashing out and re-educate those instinctive responses to healthy ones. Broccoli good, daily use of smooth move tea bad....

My hair is still falling out, too. That should be appropriate aversion therapy, don't you think? I'm still feeling a little extra anxiety, but that could be a side effect of some heavy metal detox I tried under a doctor's supervision. But my skin is looking much better and my digestion has improved a lot. Whew.

But Christin's blog about serious complications really worried me. Anorexia and eating disorders are scary. Someone my dh works is watching his 13 yr old daughter starve herself. She's in the hospital right now and there is a 20% chance she could die from this in the short term.

And anorexia is not something that affects teenage girls. Middle aged women (gosh, I guess I qualify as a 40something) are succumbing to it as well at a surprisingly high rate.

So where does that leave me now? I am stumbling across new territory. I have to draw up plans as I go and learn to read a new map. I lost 30 lbs and so far, they're staying lost. I dropped another 2-3 lbs since abandoning KK a couple of weeks ago. I was going to say I'm stalled, but I realized I've really been thinking about it like I'm resting. I am smaller than I have been in 10 years. I am down 3 sizes. I have new eating habits to adjust to. My body feels different. I'm not ready to walk into another 30 lb drop without processing how far I've come and what it might mean.

My life will basically be the same. I will still have some chronic fatigue issues to take care of...but can I tell you how much better I feel not carrying around the weight equivalent to my 3 yr old? I get exhausted carrying him for more than 10 minutes. No wonder I was so tired all the time!

I will still have kids with special needs. I will still spend much of my time trying to help them get over the hurdles they face. I will still have a dh who works long hours. I will still shop almost excusively at Target...but pretty soon I'll be able to buy the cute Isaac Mizrahi stuff. I will still be a worry wart. I will still read instead of cleaning the house.

But...I will live longer, I will have more energy, I won't worry about sitting on a chair and breaking it (been there, done that, still didn't lose the weight), I will fit in airplane seats, I will be able to lean over without gagging on my fat belly or groaning when trying to get back up. I won't be the Fat Friend anymore. People will listen to me when I speak. Let me tell you, there is nothing like being a fat mom of a special needs kid for being written off as not worth listening to.

And if I put into action all the things I know about nutrition, I will be healthy. The glowy, shiny healthy I've always wanted to be.

Wow, I have been banned at KK!! They must be extra touchy over there because on the site I pretty much said "bye ladies, it's been lovely losing with you" and sent a PM with my e-mail to 1 person. And then I came over here.

Had a good day or two in terms of getting in more fat. Even put a little coconut oil in my coffee. I'm really going through the coconut oil, too. Opened the jar and realized, hey, I'm almost out.

My weight's staying the same, which is fine. I feel like I'm in rest and re-educate mode. Plus I'm fighting a cold, so I just want to feel better.

Anyway, can't believe I got banned for pretty much nothing. Just consorting with the enemy I guess. I never even put up a duck avatar or anything. Maybe I should....

Keep it up, Jill! You're in a loving and caring community now.

Yes it is, thanks Jimmy!

Haven't checked in for a while.

I realize I haven't entirely given my heart and soul to the new WOE. I'm cruising along maintaining my 30 loss nicely, but haven't really lost any more weight. And I know why: nuts and yogurt.

I admit I have gotten a little nutty with nuts. Cashews even. They were my nemesis that brought me to 260+ lbs and they are lurking again. I missed them the 2.5 months I didn't eat them. I think I just need to measure them. Trader Joe's sells pre-packaged almonds in 1 oz packs. I think there are 24 serving bags per larger bag. And I have been jonesing for full fat yogurt. I think I am a little too generous with my serving sizes.

I'm off this weekend to an autism conference. I'm going to pack some of those packaged nuts, some EAS carb advantage drinks, my Natural Calm... I know I'll be able to drink water, get eggs for b'fast, salad w/chicken for dinner. And there's a chance I'll get to work out. One of my friends who'll be there with me is a pilates instructor.

And, most importantly, I will be able to sleep through the night for 3 nights in a row! AND avoid the babysitter drama that's developed and let my no nonsense/excellent manager husband deal with it.

Also, I have lost the mojo I had when I started this. I don't know where it went. Can I lure it back? Has it gone into hiding until my attitude improves? Did it decide it could find a better night's sleep elsewhere (You may see a pattern--my 2 little ones don't sleep through the night. I'm up 2-6 times a night for anything from 1 minute- 1hour. It's killing me.)

This week's goals: lure mojo back. Exercise 4 times. Limit nuts. Including extended family and babysitter's extended family.

Well, my official weight for this week's biggest challenge is what's in my signature. 231.5. I have been bouncing around for WEEKS and not getting under 230. I need to visualize 229.5 just to break the trend.

Of course I shouldn't have given into my weak side this evening. I had some coconut milk ice cream--about 10 carbs worth. But it was so good and I was feeling so down after the autism conference.

My son has nearly recovered from autism. He is not the boy he was 6 years ago, scared of the world, unable to process anything coming at him, unable to communicate.... he is becoming the boy he was always meant to be. But it's taken a lot of work and therapy and taking the road less traveled. It meant giving up a lot. I have found myself on the fringes of the autism mom community, which is pretty much cut off from the rest of humanity, except for the intrepid or those in denial. I have lost touch withmost of my old friends, except for the occasional Christmas card. Having a kid with autism is just too weird for most folks to deal with.

But it's been worth it. My boy is doing so, so well! But I sat in the conference and cried almost every session when I thought about the time and money we've spent, the fact that I've been to 11 autism biomed conferences and I'm still going, and that we're not done yet. And there were over 600 new families at the conference this year. I do have some good friends that I was able to spend time with between sessions. And I got to meet Jenny McCarthy and thank her for speaking out.

(Dang, that girl is TINY!)

I don't always have time to get a manicure for a reward, or take a walk by myself, or buy something. I've had to tighten the purse strings a little, so I gave myself 1/4 cup of ice cream to satisfy my need for emotional eating.

I was a good girl all weekend. For three days, I had an omelette with veggies and cheese every morning, cobb salad for lunch, and chicken picata with steamed broccoli for dinner every single day I was there. Almonds or strong cheese for snacks. I lost a pound for the week, which shocked me mightily.

So, now I'm home and I'm trying to get back in the groove.

My head is bursting with all the information it soaked up. Lots of stuff about health in general, anti-oxidants, oxidative stress, detoxification pathways, environmental toxins, diet and nutrition.

There was a great t-shirt at on of the booths, but they only had 2 x-smalls left (and there is no way under Heaven that I could ever be a size x-small--good German/Irish stock that I am, I will end up a size large at 22% body fat) It said:

"If you think my hands are full, you should see my heart."

So, me and my weepy, full heart are getting back on the Atkins wagon in full faith. Oh, and one of the nutritionists they had speak at the conference really pushed a healthy diet of organic fruits and veggies; cultured foods, like yogurt and homemade sauerkraut; good quality, organic protein; and lots and lots of good fats. NO GRAINS! Keep that insulin down!

I'll be making some sauerkraut, or rather, cultured veggies, this week. I will report back!

Hey Jill, just checking in with you to let you know you'll get below 230 soon enough. Just keep working the plan and enjoy your new lifestyle...the weight loss will come! You're doing AWESOME and I'm here to cheer you on to success!!!

I weigh in tomorrow for my Biggest Loser Challenge. This morning it was 230.0. Whoo-hoo! So it is conceivable that I may slip under 230 for the first time in 9 years in the next week. I am still sumbling along, trying to keep my eating healthy and LC, without giving in to the less-is-better mentality I'd cultivated all summer.

I found a box of my clothes size 18-22 in the garage when I was looking for a box of 12-18 mo old baby clothes. My littlest guy is such a tank! He's just 7 mos and he's busting out of all his clothes.

The story with the baby clothes is when boy #2 turned 2, I went through all the baby stuff and gave it AWAY. Gone, done with baby stuff. The VERY next day we got a call from #2's birthmother that she was pregnant again, too sick to work, abandoned by her boyfriend, etc. We didn't know what she was going to do, but I looked at my DH and said "If she places that baby for adoption, she better place it with me!" A week later she told us she'd already contacted an agency and we stepped in and offered to adopt #3 so the babies could be together. And so now we have 3...with finalization pending by Christmas!

Anyway, I found a box of MY clothes and they fit! It's so fun! There are things in there I bought "shrink to fit," ahem, a little small, and they fit! I shrank! And several things are too big. I never got to wear them. I have a t-shirt I got from a writer's conference 6 years ago that I am wearing right now for the very first time. It was the biggest shirt they had and I couldn't wear it on the designated t-shirt day. The XXL was handed to me under the table by a plus size woman who ran the conference and told me she always ordered 2-3 because she needed one and could count on giving away the others.

Today it fits fine, no getting caught and stretched out. It's a reminder of where I was and what I wanted to do before getting derailed by autism.

I did find myself feeling back in the "I'm losing" groove, which was good. I'd shifted into 'maintain' mode, excellent practice, since I kept my weight within 3 lb range for about a month, a new personal best. But I'm getting excited about shrinking some more. My MIL is coming to visit in 2 weeks and I'd like to be down another 3 lbs so I can say I've lost 35 lbs, almost 50 from my highest ever.

She sent me a new pair of pyjamas because my DH apparently told her my old ones were falling off. She was surprised I needed at 2x, since I was a 4x before.